lifeless…..

on the river bank..

i lie cold

shaken…..

frozen solid..

iced from nose to navel

and again from thigh to toes….

maybe my antics are…. irkish…

murky water defrosts me for 0.8 seconds….

and the wave hits once every 7 seconds…

im sorry it must be like this..

me …

idle…

motionless….

mind blown…

lying here..

hating decisions….

even without thought, my slight grunts take the moment i have…

and the river…. laughs as her minor splashes …

make gash in friendships waiting before and behind me…

i met you at the banks…

the river crimson from my death….

and my eyes frozen upwards with my back numb on the tundra’s cold floor..

you know im trying….

you just know im not trying my best…

you say i should trust…

love….

but i refuse to regret…

so i put my heart and soul into the grunts and moves that stop and go every 7 seconds…

im in love witht the patience…

im in love witht the seduction…

im in love witht my constant mistake…

in 21 seconds i will be in that lake….

defenseless, yes….

but frozen no more…..

and free to choose a choice i refuse to voice….

i love you…

and as i swim out into the current…

equal distant from both kisses…

i remember which one wanted me to kiss them

and which one wanted to kiss me…..

so….. i continue across the river…

totally killing myself….

sharp biting pains in every on of my pores…..

i leave the two directions for the tree across the way…

harder to achieve…

but……

her love , skinny

her kiss, perfect…

and her eyes…… bring warmth to my biggest tear….

so completely… numb ..

i drag my lower body along…..

and the further i get from the river..

the further i get from reality….

the farther apart my movements get…

and the shorter they lay….

lifeless..

on the river bank…

i trudge like molasses in the arctic winds…

afraid..

smothered..

and dead….

fuck it…..

and i break from the ice… and risk major blood warmth… and solidification from the sweat and work…..

i see the tree..

i hug the tree…

i kiss the tree….

and die on contact…

now…. i’ve loved…… i see the heavens through the shadows…

and the shadows lack strength in her arms….

maybe that is it…

………………………………………..

“babe never let me……. leave….

babe… please… never let me go….

suffocate me ….

please…

kill me….

slap me…

love me…

show me that you love me like no one……… has ever…… imagined.. “